Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you will always have a special place in my vag
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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