somebody snuck up and got me drunk
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
