I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize