We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
