I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Randomize
