you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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