god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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