My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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