Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
