So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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