I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
