You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
