i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
