fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
