Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
