goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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