Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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