Pregnant stripper...not hot.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
