Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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