I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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