nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
