My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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