Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
