Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
