i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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