Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
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