I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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