we have pet lesbian snakes
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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