this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
