I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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