I accidentally had phone sex last night
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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