It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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