it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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