if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
