the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
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