1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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