i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
