I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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