she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
