she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
not ubering you a puppy
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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