long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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