grandma shit on top of the toilet
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize