I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
