i think my mom watched the whole time
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
