New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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