As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
