I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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