i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm just crazy horny about you
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
