apparently the secret to your success is patron
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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