She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
