do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
