I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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