i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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