My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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