It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
