I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Randomize
