My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
