I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Let's get the cat blown out
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
