I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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