Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
The air taste purple.
Randomize
